WARNING: This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.
September 19, 2017
The New Yorker decided to publish a satirical article entitled "A Beginner's Guide to Vaping"
While we find satire hilarious, we felt compelled to respond. The article is below along with our responses in red.
You’ve decided to quit smoking cigarettes—excellent news! Your lungs and heart (and mom) thank you. But your brain still cries out for nicotine . . .
So, vaping it is! Where to begin? We’re here to walk through your new vice in twelve easy steps.
1. Locate Your Nearest Vape Shop: Pür, Likquid, Cloud 69, Planet of the Vapes—it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by all the options. The truth is, though, they’re all the same. The nearest vape shop is just as good (or better than) one that seems less humiliating on your credit-card bill.
Or you can go online to ShopMVG.com and your bill will show up as purchases from "ShopMVG.com". Definitely less embarrassing than 'Cloud 69'.
2. Go Inside: Wow, who knew fluorescent lighting could be this bright? Weave your way back through a warren of mirrored cabinets toward the register—bonus points if you manage to leave all the bongs in the front unscathed!
No fluorescent lighting for us. Just a simple white background and plenty of products to choose from.
3. Purchase an E-Cig: You’ve made it to the counter, where “Rick” (mid- to late forties) recommends a device that looks like a USB charger. It’s a “Juul,” he explains, spelling it for you twice. Don’t put up too much of a fight when he charges you seventy-five dollars for the little stick and four cartridges of yellow goo. This is an entirely unregulated market, and you will be taken advantage of!
We don't have the benefit of a Rick, but we do have many product reviews available to read, and a text number for any questions. Our customer service reps are happy to help.
4. Load ’er Up: Once you’re back outside (or even in the store! It’s a vape! You can smoke virtually anywhere now!), load one of the cartridges into the tip of the device and take a quick nip from the open end. Try not to spit the whole thing out when some excess nicotine goo coats your tongue and lips in a stinging gloss.
First point, you probably shouldn't vape where smoking isn't allowed. And once you do take a puff from your vape, and in the unlikely event you do get 'goo' in your mouth, you probably SHOULD spit it out.
5. Wipe Your Mouth and Try Again: O.K., second time’s a charm, right? This feels like it’s working. There’s a little crackling noise coming from your new e-cig, and, yikes—what a plume! Those young moms hustling their children past you sure seem impressed.
Wait until you start sub-ohm vaping. Those moms will not only scurry their children, but will give you a glare that will pierce your soul. Fact: not everyone appreciates your plumes. Go back to our response from point 4.
6. Steady Yourself: Whoa—grab a railing. Almost took a tumble there, didn’t you? Whatever’s in these goo packs sure goes straight to the head! Better find a bench. Rick didn’t mention anything about feeling this woozy, but he did say something about the crème-brûlée-flavored cartridge “hitting easier.” Give it a shot!
There actually is a nugget of advice here. If you find yourself lightheaded, take a seat. You may want to try a lower nicotine level, smaller puffs, or taking longer breaks in between puffs.
7. Pop in the “Crème Brûlée” Cartridge: God, this is all so embarrassing. How did you get here?
Crème Brûlée is actually a delicious flavor. Would you rather vape something that tastes like garbage? I thought we were trying to cut cigarettes out here. No one wants to buy a flavor called dirty ash-tray.
8. Try Again?: Never thought you’d say it, but Rick was right. You could do this all day! In the subway, at the office, even on your walk to the gym.
Uhm... Guilty as charged. (but also re-read point 4 again).
9. Puke: Whoops! Turns out, you can overdo it—let’s hope your stomach doesn’t turn every time you encounter a crème brûlée in the wild.
If you puke, you probably want to seek medical attention.
10. Check In with Your Body: A few days have passed and you haven’t smoked a single cigarette—congrats! No more stinky ashtrays for you! The problem is, you’ve already gone through four goo cartridges in forty-eight hours. What the hell?! By now your body is literally screaming out for nicotine in ways you never knew possible. It looks like you’ve got only one option . . .
Note: If you quit analog cigarettes, you will probably cough up phlem and all the other crap you used to get from burning cigarettes. Be prepared for that.
11. Stock Up on Refills: Jesus, twenty dollars a pack? That’s more than cigarettes! Is Rick messing with you? Part of why you quit smoking was because it was too expensive! And it’s not like this crap is taxed the same way tobacco is! Is it? Is it, Rick?! What the hell is your excuse? You won’t even tell me what’s in the damn goo!
You can find a lot of value from re-fillable liquids and tanks. Pods aren't your only answer. Unfortunately though, Rick will probably tell you that the products may still be expensive because many states are starting to tax vape products like tobacco products.
12. Keep Yelling at Rick: He’s asking you to leave before he calls the shop’s owner, Pegasys. It’s probably for the best that you go—this was an experiment, and it failed. Make one final rude gesture in Rick’s direction as you exit—it’s important that you walk out of Planet of the Vapes with your pride intact. Spend the next two hours trying to buy a cigarette off a stranger.
Poor Rick and Pegasys.
To all the vapers out there, don't take the article too seriously. Laugh at it for what it is.
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